• Tinukè Olatunbosun

Closure

It's human nature for us to seek closure, mainly due to the fact that we crave resolution and understanding. In some scenarios, we know why the relationship ended but still look for confirmation from the other party for this and don’t feel satisfied until we receive it. I believe eliminating the self-blame element is one of the reasons many want that final discussion. When a relationship ends it tends to dominate our thoughts. We find ourselves overthinking and creating our own version of events as to what led to this outcome. ‘What could I have done better?’ ‘What did I lack?’ are just some of the questions that one may ask themselves if they fail to get the answer directly from the source. Why else do many seek closure? ‘An admission of guilt?’ We want to know that they acknowledge their wrongdoing or at least the part they played. It does not change what has happened but it offers some sort of satisfaction. On the other hand, we can sometimes ask for closure but are unhappy with the conclusion. This can be because our toxic traits are pointed out and in turn our contributions to why the relationship ended. You need to be prepared and open to the conversation and understand that some acknowledgement on your part may be required. Do not view the conversation as a negative, instead use it as a means of reflection. Ask yourself what can I take from this situation? What traits can I, in fact, work on and become a better version of myself. Before I go any further I need to clarify that cheating can never be justified and anyone that blames your traits or actions for cheating is wrong. If someone doesn’t like a part of you, they have the choice to leave, cheating should never be an option. Although we seek solace in one final talk, we need to come to the realisation that no one has the obligation to grant us it. If our request for a closure related conversation is declined, we need to accept it and be ready to move forward and bring closure to ourselves. Here are a few tips and words of encouragement that could guide you on your journey. Acceptance and Acknowledgement Accept and process what has happened. It’s okay to feel any emotion from sadness to anger. We have all experienced it, and first hand I can tell you it’s best to let it all out as opposed to bottling up inside. It’s all part of the acceptance and acknowledgement stage, and the first step in moving forward. Accept that he/she has declined your invitation to a closure conversation and let it go. It should never be forced. It will just result in you being told what you want to hear or further disrespect. The whole ‘I can’t move forward till he/she gives me closure’ is a mindset that we need to change, as in many cases it just doesn’t happen. What you give power to has power over you! So let’s take that power, that should never have been given, back! Time The healing process takes time. When you're experiencing pain and hurt, you feel like it’s never going to end, but it will. We all deal with breakups differently, and some need more time than others. Don’t watch how anyone else has dealt with it in the past, this is your personal journey and no one else’s. Give yourself time before you get into a new situation, work on YOU. Make sure you have healed completely. Moving on rapidly can sometimes mean you suppress the hurt, but old wounds always have a way of reopening and has the potential to ruin something new and great! So once again, HEAL COMPLETELY! Take time to understand what you really want from the future and reflect on the warning signs you perhaps overlooked the last time, so it doesn’t repeat itself. Forgiveness I left this one till last as I believe it’s the final step and one that comes once you’ve felt and accepted your pain. Let me be honest, I know how hard it is to forgive someone, especially when they don’t have the decency to provide you with an explanation or apology. However, we need to understand that forgiveness is for our benefit and not theirs. It does not mean we are accepting this individual's actions but instead, we are letting go, freeing ourselves from the pain. Forgive yourself also, no closure sometimes leads to self-doubt, especially when it's a situation such as ‘ghosting’. This seems to happen so frequently in this generation, but forgive yourself for any part you believe you may have played, if any, and forgive yourself for allowing such a person in. You were not to know, people are good at pretending, that’s why many are shocked and don’t see it coming. Perhaps your intuition even warned you, forgive yourself for ignoring the signs! Forgiving is a long and hard process but when you actually look back and ask yourself what did I learn and how did I grow from this, you will realise how far you’ve come. Thanks for reading :D What are your views on closure?

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This is an advice section is for relationship based questions and dilemmas. 

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