• Tinukè Olatunbosun

Would You Date Your Friend's Ex

I thought I would do a post on this topic as I am sure people have very different views in regards to it. Many would argue that it is never acceptable and simply shouldn’t be done as it is somewhat the unwritten rule. Whilst others might say “you can’t help who you fall in love with.” As with most things there are always two viewpoints as nothing is black and white. We all have an opinion on what we deem acceptable/not acceptable. The girl code/bro code is what you could describe as the friendship handbook of rules to abide by and this comes into play when topics such as would you date a friends ex arise. So let’s discuss this further… To kick this off let me give my personal view, which is that I would never date a friends ex, period! They say never say never, however I am very confident that this will never happen. I consider most my friends as family and to date someone they have been emotionally or physically attached to at some point simply doesn’t appeal to me. When our friends are with someone we are supposed to be their support system, someone they confide in when issues arise in their relationship and so on. To begin dating the person they once or still have strong feelings for, is just not right in my opinion. Many pull out the whole you can’t help who you fall in love with card, or it just happened. However, for me I stand with a view that “there is so much fish in the sea” why would it end up being a friends ex . Moreover you clearly didn’t gain feelings for this person overnight which may suggest that you was crushing on a friends ex the whole time they was together or was maybe even secretly wishing they would break up. Of course in some situations you have contact with a friends ex because you may have been friends with the person prior to the relationship or may have even been the one that set them up which complicates things more. Regardless I still think you don’t cross that line because if you had feelings for this person you should have made them clear before your friend got involved with them. Making a decision to date a friend’s ex is definitely one that could cause awkwardness or even lead to a friendship ending and there is definitely a lot that needs to be taken into consideration such as:

Friendship level When talking about friendship levels, I am talking about how high you hold that friendship. A person can be your acquaintance or work colleague, these kind of relationships may not be as affected as it would be with a close friend/best friend who you should have complete loyalty too. Even if you are not close friends with this person  I still think it’s best to have a conversation with them out of respect.

Terms of their break up If your friend and their ex broke up on bad terms and you was witness to the hurt they endured from the breakup, and you now want to date the person that caused this, there is a high chance  that the friendship will come to an end. A friend is likely to take this badly because let’s be honest it’s a hard pill to swallow. Whereas it may be a different scenario if they broke up mutually because they simply wasn’t right for each other and the relationship just wasn’t working out.

Duration of their relationship The duration of the relationship could play a part on your friends reaction.If this was a short term relationship that was for example  three months and wasn’t that serious a friend may still be annoyed at this prospect but not in comparison to a relationship that may have been six months and over that which would be considered more serious and will have a worst reaction. Of course the short term relationship could have equally have had a lot of emotions invested. However, generally individuals seem to gain more feelings as the relationship progresses, hence my example of different time barriers. Is your friend over their ex As a friend you know when your friend is over someone, whether they admit it or not. We just know these things. There are little signs to look out for, they may still talk about them or even get upset when you mention their name. These are just some of the things that come to mind. I believe that if you weigh all things up and still want to date a friends ex then this is the point to have a conversation with them. In all honesty this won’t be an easy conversation and you may leave it with one less friend .If you are part of a large group of friends this could also lead to certain other friends choosing not to talk to you, so be prepared for this. Of course ultimately you have the final say but all I will say is think of the long term and not the short term. If you sacrifice you friendship for this relationship and it doesn’t work out you have lost a valuable friendship that can’t be replaced. To conclude, with everything in life there are many factors to think of before making a decision such as this. Ask yourself this, if the shoe was on the other foot and your friend was dating your ex would you be okay with it? It is never a good idea to attempt to date a friends ex in secret because when it comes out and it will!! The friendship will already be damaged, not only because you’re dating their ex but simply due to the fact that you wasn’t upfront. Always be prepared for their reaction and respect it. A friend can be genuinely over the moon for you that you found someone you like even if it is their ex. However I doubt most will . Some friends will immediately want to terminate the friendship and some might simply need time to digest this news. So stay ready for the response. Thanks for reading, I would love to know your views on this topic, please comment below.


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